Today, for the first time in a long time, I was honest about how I was feeling. Now, I just feel better.
I took my wife to the Doctor as a follow-up to what happened Friday afternoon. We were with him for well over an hour, and it was tough. Initially Kirsty was just giving him a run down of what happened, but it didn’t take long for our entire life story to spill out. The running around; looking after kids with special needs; putting everyone before yourself; the lack of sleep; the whole kit and caboodle as I am sure someone says.
I don’t know if it is a me-thing or a man-thing, but I am not used to going to the Doctors and spilling my guts about my woes and ailments and all the secret aches, pains and worries that I have. I guess I am a product of the action-movie age where Bruce Willis walks across broken glass to kick ass with a grin and a witty line. Being honest about how you feel often comes a distant third after doing what you think you should and acting how you think others expect you to. But I am here to say being honest about how you feel to someone that listens without judging is an experience we should all try. Now, I am sure this is no revelation to you post-neanderthal citizens of the world, but for me it was a huge revelation. Today I said things out loud that had been held inside for too long – and I said them in front of my wife which I had been avoiding in some kind of misplaced sense of nobility or machismo.
Yesterday I said that writing down your goals makes them real, tangible and more accessible. Likewise, saying your fears and worries out loud, to someone who listens without judging, can help you process them better. Sometimes when you speak your feelings they no longer seem so big or dark – they lose their grip on you a little. At other times verbalising a problem helps your brain approach it from a different angle and gives you new insight into approaching it.
And sometimes, it just feels better.
That was me today. I’m not too proud to admit I cried in the Doctor’s office. Not a lot – I’m hardly a gusher – but enough to release the tension that I had not realised I was holding. Admitting how I felt didn’t fix anything. I wasn’t prescribed any magic pill. But saying my fears out loud helped me process recent events in a far clearer manner than I had previously been able.
Why am I telling you all this? The last few months have been leading to this moment and the last few days have been a turning point in my life. I used to keep everything inside, hidden away so that I would not put myself at risk. I was afraid that if I opened up to the people I love they would think there was something wrong with me, that I was faulty. I used to think that if people really new what was going on in my head – even the cool, awesome stuff like my dreams of entrepreneurship, of working from home beside my wife in a business we enjoyed – they would think I was weird.
Smarter Happier is not the first blog I have started. With those previous blogs I really struggled to find my voice, to work out what I was blogging about, because I was always holding back, editing what I was sharing until it was sanitised for public consumption. I was afraid that people would see me for who I was and, to be honest, I wasn’t sure if that was somebody worth seeing. I was afraid for no good reason that my wife would read my words – even now I feel some trepidation that she will read these words sometime soon. But being happy means being honest with yourself and honest with those you love.
Bravo Nathan. You have captured what is I’m sure, the essence of the unrealistic societal expectation of men in Australia – don’t admit your feelings, don’t share your fears, and never cry. These expectations are ridiculous of course and as you have stated don’t help anyone at all. Quite the opposite actually.
So, thank you for your absolute and raw honesty. Myself, I think you’ve been more ‘manly’ than a lot of so-called ‘men’ because you did go against those expectations, you did cry, but most of all you said it out loud. You shared it for all to see. You sir, are a real man! Thank you.
Thinking of you and the lovely Kirsty (& your family) at this time.
G.
PS; I did cry when reading this post.
Thanks Gary. It is bloody hard to know where you’re supposed to stand sometimes with the mixed signals and unrealistic expectations put upon us (by “us” I mean people in general, not men specifically). I am sorry it took 37 years to realise where I stand, but glad I now know what I need to do in order to properly look after my own well being. Cheers for the comment – I really appreciate it.
Sometimes we just need our feelings validated, and saying them out loud to a good GP or even to just a 3rd party who doesn’t judge, just listens and says it’s ok to feel that way can help take the weight of the world off our shoulders. I know “as a man” there’s a certain amount of pressure to be the strong one in the family, too, to be able to take everything on board and deal with it, but it shouldn’t be that way. I’m glad you got that release at the doctors that you needed and hope that it was the first step to being able to share all your thoughts and feelings with Kirsty. She is there as much for you as you are for her.
Absolutely, Aroha. I so desperately wanted the doctor to ask how I was feeling, because I was ready to be honest, but at the same time I was terrified of how saying it out loud. But it felt SO GOOD. Even as I was crying and he was handing me a tissue! Thanks for dropping by.
This is really honest and touching. My husband doesn’t like to talking to professionals about the way he’s feeling. Even when he went through Cancer.and when we experienced a still birth. I guess there is too much pressure on men to be always strong. As a mother of three boys it’s something I need to be aware of and think about.
Thanks, Ness. I think we (men) often think we are helping by not sharing our feelings. Honestly. We don’t want to burden anyone else, make things more uncomfortable or difficult. And other times we are just trying to avoid crying. There is no good reason for it, but I am trying to change the way I deal with and share my emotions. It’s hard, but I’m trying!
Nathan I think it is great that you cried. Yes, really. It is especially good for your marriage. If you can’t truly be yourself with your partner then you are in trouble. You are living a lie (speaking generally not about Kirsty & you) While my husband & I share a lot of things and do cry in front of each other if we reach breaking point or have worries, I have also learnt in my 7 years of marriage that there are times to keep quiet as to avoid both “consciously uncoupling” at the same time. Sorry had to put that in there. hehe. Your children will also see you as a true role model in their future relationships. PS. 37 is better than struggling with emotions at 50 or 60-Go you!
Hi Lisa – I totally agree, it IS great that I cried. There have been a lot of times when I have wanted to cry but just not felt like I could, or should. Too often I have put what I thought others needed or wanted first, when really they just wanted me to be okay – which sometimes means crying.
Being a role model for my kids is one of the reasons that I am working to change who I am and how I deal with things. There have been times when our son has said “But grown ups don’t cry” and I want to show him that it is not only okay, but totally normal.
I agree with Gary, you sum up so well the pressure our society places on men to be harder, tougher, stronger, infallible. I’m glad you were able to transcend the barriers that were preventing you from letting it all out.
Thank you, Emma. I have come to realise that we are often our own worst enemies when it comes to setting expectations of behaviour – I think we have this false sense of how we are expected to act. I am so glad I have started on a path to being more open.
A big step Nathan, and a massive congrats on getting it all out there. Maybe this post will be a place that you can get things off your chest, be a place where you can get feedback, offer help and support to others, especially men who too often feel as though they can’t ‘bleed’. My hubby doesn’t get much off his chest, it bubbles away until I go, or say something too far, and it blows out, would be much more effective to say what he thinks when he says it, but that’s not him, it’s me, and we’re all different. BTW I love the title of blog 🙂
Thanks Emily. I totally know what you mean in regards to the “bubbles away” – I am totally guilty of this too. I often feel like I don’t want to upset or burden or rock the boat, so instead I keep it in until it bursts out far worse than it ever should have been.
I am really happy with the blog title, too. It absolutely sums up where I want to be heading!
I was so glad you were honest. It helped me so much that day – that was one of the most scary appointments I ever attended. I was so happy you were there with me to support me and I was glad I was there to support you. Don’t ever be afraid to be completely honest with me x
But I am so afraid of you…. 😉 Jokes aside, I am glad I was honest, too.
It’s great that you were able to open up and possibly more importantly you were listened to. Sometimes the way people react or don’t to what we tell them can have an impact on our future openness. My partner went to a psychologist last year after lots of prodding from me and after his first session he said similar to you about how great it was to have his feelings taken seriously. I had to hold back from saying ‘well duh it’s only what I have been telling you for the last 3 years’ lol. Sometimes too it is good to have someone who is removed from the situation to help you work through stuff. Someone who isn’t emotionally invested can often offer suggestions that we hadn’t thought of.
I hope that you continue to be open with those around you and it’s been nice getting to know the man you are 🙂
Thanks, Tegan. Sometimes us guys need to do things at our own glacial pace – I know I have a bad habit of digging my heels in if I am told I should do something, even if I think it is a good idea. What’s the saying, cutting your nose off to spite your face!
What a great post and good on you for being open and honest and letting the thoughts out!
Thanks, Zita. I appreciate you dropping by!
Hi Nathan,
I’ve just come across your blog recently and this post in particular has been bouncing off the walls of my mind ever since I read it so I thought I’d come and say hi. I really admire what you’re doing here. What you’re putting out into the universe! I feel as though the same words here are the ones I’ve been thinking for a very long time… particularly this line – I was afraid that if I opened up to the people I love they would think there was something wrong with me, that I was faulty.
I’ve been on my second maternity leave this past 7 months and have taken the time to look a little bit deeper into my own psyche and this year I set myself a challenge to be more Fearless in 2015. So, like you, I created a blog and have committed to 365 posts this year! Scary and exciting at the same time!!!
There are a number of reasons I decided to go down this path – making myself more vulnerable was one of them. That said, no one in my ‘real’ life knows about it yet. If they happened to find the blog out in the ether, that’s not a problem, but for me to proactively tell people, well, let’s just say it’s still baby steps for me so far! But I’m not even a week in so who knows what will happen. Anyway, I just wanted to say well done and I really look forward to more of your posts 🙂
Hi Nardia! Thanks for your kind words and good luck with your 365 posts!